You can’t have a healthy, loving and forever-lasting relationship without dealing with your insecurities. These are those pieces of pain and scars left inside your heart, but like any other wound you need to remove what hurts you first to get healed. It’s quite simple once you get the picture.
We learn so much from school, technology, and society these days, but there are few places where you can learn how to deal with emotions. The easy way is to completely ignore what hurts you, but that won’t fix anything and the wound will just get worst. Imagine like you have a piece of glass inside your skin and you try to live with it. Every time that area gets touched you will feel more pain.
Not to mention that your open wound can get infected. That’s how insecurities work. They are pieces of glass, left out from a broken heart, and when someone tries to touch your heart it hurts. The good side is that once you learn to heal yourself you can get through any kind of emotional pain. Here are 4 simple steps to do it.
Step nr. 1: Understand the cause of your insecurities
Every pain has a cause, and the first step of healing is understanding the reason. You can’t remove a source of pain if you don’t know what that source is first. Make sense right?
Most of the people have emotional scars from childhood. I had them too. Either you didn’t get enough love from one of your parents, or you couldn’t deal with the first time your heart was broken by your crush, these early wounds are sometimes the biggest. Because at that point in our life the heart is so fragile.
At that point, we get our heart broken a lot, but that’s how we grow. Think about it: the first time you found out that your loved ones will eventually die or the first time you found out Santa isn’t real. These were pains that made you grow up.
The thing is emotional pain from someone you love (like your parents or your significant other) is much stronger. The first instinct would be to try to hide out that pain, but this must be avoided. Trying to ignore the pain is what cause effects like what people call mommy / daddy issues or trust issues.
Step nr. 2: Learn the lesson and change your attitude about it
Behind any pain, there’s a lesson. In fact, pain is our greatest teacher. Is like when you were a baby and played on the side of your bed. After you fall , that pain teaches you not to do it again and be more careful.
It’s the same thing with emotional pain. That pain basically says: “This is something that harms you, stay away from it.” Learn the lesson and learn the cause of it. Don’t make it worse, don’t make it better. Just see it as it is. For example: let’s say your heart was broken by someone who cheated on you. This doesn’t mean you can’t trust anyone. This means that you have to learn who you trust.
Understand and impose yourself you will never accept this to happen again, and try to see little clues or patterns that the person who hurt you left behind. Little dots that you connect looking behind. Simple things that you didn’t notice back then but now make sense. You can also study the cheater behavior and say that you won’t accept somebody who acts the same.
There’s another example of a lesson: the reverse role model. If you have pain related to your parents, you will just take that as a “this I will never do”. The easiest way to overcome this pain is to start doing the opposite. Always think how the person that hurt you will react and do the opposite thing. This is useful for issues from parents because they are the first role model of anybody. Also, use your needs as a pattern of what you give. For example: if you always missed somebody asking you how your day was, be the person that always ask this to your loved ones.
After you learned the lesson that your pain carries, you will feel relieved and peaceful. Now you change your attitude about it into a positive one!
You might also like: Getting over Tough Times and Dealing with Depression
Step nr. 3: Use your pain to transform yourself into a better person
“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it…”
Say something like: “Because of that happened I decide I will never accept this again. Because that happened I am a better person now: I will never do that to somebody because I know how much it hurts.”
Use the lesson from the pain and the pain itself to transform yourself into a better person. No matter how you do it. Some people use the pain after losing somebody loved, to start a charity in their names. Some people use the pain to change their perspective, to understand more, to appreciate more. Some people use the pain as an energy for their commitment to a passion, to working out, to a sport.
Pain is what makes us grow, become more mature, more loving and more compassionate. Pain helps us progress. No pain, no gain!
Step nr. 4: Focus on the bright side
After we fixed what we had to fix, and we learned what we had to learn, now it’s time to appreciate life more. It’s time to appreciate the given opportunities and blessings ahead. I mean, after all, it’s called insecurity because it’s about a past event. It’s already over, so I need to get over it also and enjoy my life.
Action to take to fix your relationship insecurities: Buy a notepad, and for 21 days write down every night when you go to bed or early morning when you rise 3 things you love, appreciate or admire about your special someone. This will greatly change your attitude towards them, and push your relationship into the deepest passion, connection, and love you’ve experienced. If you really want to make it special, write it for 90 days and at the end, offer the journal to your loved one as a gift.
Now you are a better person, you are stronger, you are more confident, you are more compassionate towards other people’s pain, you can love and appreciate at a higher level. And when you can love from the bottom of your heart you will get the same and more in return. I wish you a life filled with love!